the past 2 weeks hasn't been easy to cope with. in fact, one of the darkest times of my life. knowing so many things I could've done or shouldn't have done are already irreversible. Every moment, my mind is telling myself "if only there is a reset button" which obviously there isn't. I think I know my uncle is not coming back but somehow I feel that this is not real. Am I in a dream? I held back as much tears as I could. I got so exhausted that my brain/mind/head feels numb. I couldn't drive properly, I couldn't eat properly, I couldn't sleep properly. Every silent moments in my mind is filled with my uncle's image. I am lost. for once, I realize I am really lost. I had moments in the past that i thought i am lost but this time, it's the real deal. I never realize how much I love him until he is gone. I never realize how much regrets I have created until he is gone. I don't want to be delusional by thinking "If he is alive, he wouldn't..............." because I wouldn't be able to make up to him and I wouldn't know even if he forgives me.
on the 7th night of his death, his soul or spirit is suppose to visit his close ones. I was hoping to see him at least in my dreams to tell him how truly sorry I am. How stupid his nephew is. How damn freaking stupid his nephew is. Apparently that didn't happen. I didn't get to see him. I didn't get to say sorry to him in person (even if it is just a fragment of my own dream). I even tried really hard to think of him just so hopefully I could've dreamt of him.
I am currently really fighting the biggest losing battle of my 24yrs of life. it feels almost like how my uncle was fighting his 2 weeks back. I feel so helpless and totally lost. I have changed so much that I can't recognize myself mentally and physically. my mind is all jumbled up and loaded with so much messy thoughts.
posted by impossible is nothing!! @ 4:50 AM
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