how did this world come about? random numbers and strings of chemical compounds? what about emotions? we all know emotions are what made us human, human. but what are emotions made out of?

constant fear of death (to oneself/to others). fear of saying the wrong things at the wrong time. fear of offending someone. fear of getting a speed ticket. fear of roaches in the kitchen or bedroom or toilet. fear of the sun running out of fuel. fear of the earth's resources depleting. fear of one half cheating on the other. fear of failing exams. fear of pain. fear of failure. fear of strange unknowns. fear of conspiracies. fear of economy going down. fear of going to the army. fear of bankruptcy. fear of fear.

so much fear so much hope so much useless struggles. so much people getting rich so much people getting poor. so much people being borned so much people dying. so much cars on the roads so much ERPs with so much rates at so much different timings. so much idiotic thoughts so much idiotic beliefs so much religions so much different versions of the stories so much evidences of so much lame stuff.

what is real? what is fake?
what are we really? what do we have to do? reconnect with the dao? have faith in jesus christ? pray to allah? read scriptures for buddha's teachings? what about shinto? what about hinduism? what about cults? what about so much more "beliefs"?

who do we really are?
what is this big yet small planet call earth? what is beyond the galaxy? another galaxy? are what the scientist and astronauts saw, the real deal? if so, what is beyond the "universe"? or are we just like the movie, men in black? that we're just a tiny marble of another "super being" duy's marble collection?

Can i say that i am tired? everyone would definitely tell me, yeah, i'm more tired than you. but i'm tired. i'm tired that i cannot feel tired. or at least i cannot "say" i feel tired because people will claim to be more tired. initial intention of proclaim "i'm just tired", quickly becomes a contest to see who is more tired than the other.

I've no fear over death. I've fear over the pain I might have to endure, depending on how I die. I've no problem talking about myself being dead. Because, as much as I would worry about the people around me, deep down, I know that there is nothing I can do. Does the laws of the universe really attact more of what I always think? oh well.

everytime after such posts, I would end up concluding the thing with, who knows all these stuff. Let's just live life as much as we could. I do not want to survive. I wan to LIVE. and it all goes back to square one again.

Lastly, I would leave myself with one question. "why do i always have to think so much? of the things that are deem unnecessary by most of the adults around me." haha. ahh the irony of life. shitty shitty shitty.